I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
