I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize