They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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