I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
