i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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