Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
