dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
