We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
someone owes me an orgasm
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize