I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
