I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
