Will you blow on my dice?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize