Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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