I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
