I puked a lego.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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