i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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