Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
