She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
