my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
