i'm signing you up for texting rehab
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
