If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize