I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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