She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
