why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
