I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
