There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
