That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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