before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
