Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
