I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
