Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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