It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
