Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
