You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Randomize
