the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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