went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
