by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she told me i tasted like america
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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