I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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