mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
