apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
