i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
