i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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