Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i out mim tonsoeep
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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