In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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