You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
