I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
