I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
