Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
