Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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