i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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