i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
