I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
