hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
