you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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