I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
