Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
