We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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