I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
