Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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